Mean, Terrible, Awful. Mom.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Phew.

I vented, and I feel better.
I feel better without having hurt any one's feelings.
Today, I am having one of those days that is good for no particular reason. I think it may be related to the fact that I let things out of my head. Maybe it is related to the forgiveness. Maybe it's the fact that my life, while not extravagant, is good. I have love.
That's good enough.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Help

This has quickly just become my place to come and vent. The closest thing I have to a friendly ear, these days.

I'm angry, perhaps more than I should be under these circumstances. I know I have rage issues, that sometimes I just stew and stew until I explode. I know it's wrong, and cruel to those who love me, but at the same time, it's the only way I know how to deal with anger.

When I ask for help, don't agree, then play video games until you fall asleep at your desk. If I ask for help doing half of the dishes, don't ask me how many I want you to do. Just eyeball it. If you volunteer to do all of the dishes, don't leave stuff on the stove, or the counter. If I get up with you every morning because I love you enough to want to help you have a good start to your day, don't leave me seething at night so that I can't focus on any of the tasks I am left with and unable to sleep.

When I obviously want to yell and scream, either give me a reason to, or give me a reason to not want to. Don't leave me seething, because I will go to bed angry and wake up angrier. When I tell you I'm not feeling well, and sleeping entirely too much, don't expect me to just go about doing all of the chores while you relax after a day at work. Especially when said day at work is commonly so boring and lackadaisical that you hide in the bathroom to play sudoku.

It takes more thank "Thank you for making breakfast," and "Thank you for making dinner" to show appreciation. I know that's more than a lot of people get, but I have also gotten more from you. If you are going to start slipping into shitty habits, don't get pissy when I stop folding the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer.

I'm really trying. I'm really trying not to backslide into being a miserable person who doesn't care if they have a sink full of dishes for two days. I have come so far, and I don't want to backslide, so stop giving me reasons to.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Letting it go.

A friend of mine suggested that in order to deal with all of my problems, that I should write them down and put them in a God Box. You write down your problems, and give them to God. I don't know if I am comfortable with that, but I do think I can write them down. I can give them to you, and let them be gone.

I'm angry. I'm angry that my (very nearly) ex-husband is stonewalling me about the money he owes me. I'm angry that he left and is getting to live the easy life. I'm angry that he hurt me for so many years, and that I am still letting him treat me like shit.
I'm angry that my boyfriend doesn't talk to his father the way his father wants them to talk. I'm angry that every day I have to explain to his father why he hates his job.
I'm angry that I didn't fight for my job, that I let one ego maniacal ass ruin my career.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at having to prop up the man I love every single day. I am frustrated that my strength is waning from constant use. I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to catch a break. I'm frustrated that I don't know how to get the exercise I need for my mental well-being out here in the wilderness. I'm frustrated by the fact that I so easily accept my own excuses. I'm frustrated by the fact that one of my hard drives failed, and I have so many pieces of my life that I didn't back up, pictures of times that I will never recover.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all the people who can afford a festive Christmas this year. I am jealous of all the people who can go out and buy presents for their loved ones. I'm jealous of everyone who can get in their cars, and go. I'm jealous of all the people who have the successes I denied for myself.

I'm sad. Some part of me, no matter how small is always sad.

I'm happy. I have a best friend and lover who adores me. I have a son who even at nine years old loves to snuggle with me and watch a movie. I have a father who loves me, and wants the best for me, no matter how aggravating he can be. I have a home to live in, and food to eat. I have friends, even if they are all on the other side of a computer screen. I have love.

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I think my friend may have been right.