Letting it go.

A friend of mine suggested that in order to deal with all of my problems, that I should write them down and put them in a God Box. You write down your problems, and give them to God. I don't know if I am comfortable with that, but I do think I can write them down. I can give them to you, and let them be gone.

I'm angry. I'm angry that my (very nearly) ex-husband is stonewalling me about the money he owes me. I'm angry that he left and is getting to live the easy life. I'm angry that he hurt me for so many years, and that I am still letting him treat me like shit.
I'm angry that my boyfriend doesn't talk to his father the way his father wants them to talk. I'm angry that every day I have to explain to his father why he hates his job.
I'm angry that I didn't fight for my job, that I let one ego maniacal ass ruin my career.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated at having to prop up the man I love every single day. I am frustrated that my strength is waning from constant use. I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to catch a break. I'm frustrated that I don't know how to get the exercise I need for my mental well-being out here in the wilderness. I'm frustrated by the fact that I so easily accept my own excuses. I'm frustrated by the fact that one of my hard drives failed, and I have so many pieces of my life that I didn't back up, pictures of times that I will never recover.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all the people who can afford a festive Christmas this year. I am jealous of all the people who can go out and buy presents for their loved ones. I'm jealous of everyone who can get in their cars, and go. I'm jealous of all the people who have the successes I denied for myself.

I'm sad. Some part of me, no matter how small is always sad.

I'm happy. I have a best friend and lover who adores me. I have a son who even at nine years old loves to snuggle with me and watch a movie. I have a father who loves me, and wants the best for me, no matter how aggravating he can be. I have a home to live in, and food to eat. I have friends, even if they are all on the other side of a computer screen. I have love.

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I think my friend may have been right.