Mean, Terrible, Awful. Mom.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Unease.

Bioguy has another son.
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A few months ago, I got a message from a girl on myspace, claiming she was pregnant with another spawn for Bioguy. I kind of shook it off, as she was pretty trashy. I sent her the info she asked for, and left it at that.

I would peek back at her page on occasion, to see if she had the baby and whatnot. When she did, well, it looked like Darth Boy, a lot. I tried to reason it out of possibility. I mean, Bioguy isn't doing anything for Darth Boy, so surely he has learned his lesson right?

Wrong.

Now there are two boys who are never going to have a proper father, and while that is plenty sad, I'm sitting here jealous.
Jealous because my son finally has the brother he has been begging me for, and it's not a son of mine.

Just... ugh.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

It is the wrong hour for anything...

I'm sitting here, having all of these feelings that feel inappropriate to share with people on facebook, or my old livejournal, and I feel like I have nowhere to go. Then I find myself on a blog where I have left comments, that linked back here. It was almost like a sign, reminding me that I did have a place, a place where no one would ask me about what I said (because no one reads this, heh.)

I have this incredible feeling of dread, and I don't know what started it. It's happened before, usually spun off of depression, but I don't really show any other signs of depression. (Okay, maybe the fact that I am writing this at almost 6 in the morning defies that statement.)

I just don't know what to do. I'm not particularly upset over anything, and there hasn't been a major upset in my life. I need to understand, because when I don't, these feelings just suck me in. I don't want to drown, despair is no longer a major part in my life, and I don't want it to be.

So many things are right in my life at this moment. So many things are full of happiness. So why aren't I?